


if it isn't you, then i dont know else

by jaeyongified



Series: in jaeyong we trust [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Post Break-up, Rainy Days, haechan is taeyong's brother, professor!taeyong, the heavy rain we experienced earlier made me want to write this, we thirst for jaeyong, we want jaeyong content omg, writer!jaehyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 12:01:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19295326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaeyongified/pseuds/jaeyongified
Summary: Taeyong likes the rain before, but maybe he should change his preferences now.





	if it isn't you, then i dont know else

He keeps on crying whenever he hears the raindrops hitting the roof of his small apartment. Taeyong continued to sniffle under the covers in the couch which Haechan washed for him earlier when he visited him in the rainy days of September. His hair is messy from the continued shuffling in the sofa where he lies.

 

He got no time for this, he thought. He still has papers to check and research papers to read from his students in the university. He sighed, kicking the sheets and feeling his slippers on the floor. He sighed again– a long drag of air, closing his eyes to calm himself from all of the overwhelming feelings he can feel that underlies deep down inside of him.

 

He walked to the kitchen island and figured out to make himself some coffee. He grabbed a sachet on one of the compartments just above the sink and looked for a mug. His hands automatically travelled to a dirty white mug. A custom mug made by someone whose signature and messy but beautiful handwriting scribbled on one side.

 

He proceeded to read the words printed on the porcelain material on his hands. _I won't love you until you die, but I'll love you 'till the end of mine._ The twenty-five year old university professor's heart clenched upon reading those words—with the hint of love, but more with a hint of pain.

 

Just then, a new batch of tears fell down on his cheeks. He doesn't feel them easily because his eyes were numb and his cheeks are blotched from all the crying earlier. The ramen that his loving brother cooked for him worsen his state.

 

After getting himself a warm cup of coffee, he decided to do those paperworks because when he looked at the clock, it is already near nine in the evening. Even though his schedule for the day later starts at ten in the morning, Taeyong thought that he should do his tasks so he wouldn't cram unlike his students on their second year.

 

He wiped the tears off his face harshly, mentally wincing when he felt his rough, grandfather-like hands almost tearing away the bad skin he has. He doesn't wanna cry anymore. He don't want his co-teachers indulge him with lots of questions out of concern on why the literature department head walks inside the office with blotched cheeks and puffy eyes. He wanted to avoid his students' stares at him when he does his lectures with a strained voice and down mood.

 

He wants to keep everything professional.

 

Sure, it had been a week since that happened. He clearly remembers the way they argue for the nth time again this month. He clearly remembers how they don't have time for each other anymore, giving the reason that Taeyong is a college professor while Jaehyun is a newly-introduced writer whose books were selling out in the market and even getting himself the number one newbie author of the past month.

 

Jaehyun. Sweet, sweet, bread-like Jaehyun.

Dimpled-boy writer Jung.

His Jung Jaehyun.

 

Taeyong shook his head to cancel all of his thoughts, turning a mental switch that would turn him to a charming Professor Lee, or that's what his co-teachers and students point out.

 

He grabbed his bag and fished out all of research papers he has to read and the paperworks the second years handed him earlier which were late but he still decided to accept. The amount wasn't that many, and Taeyong thanked heavens for that. He doesn't want to doze off again in the middle of checking the papers because of one damn pill of paracetamol.

 

He grabbed a high-chair and turned on the television just not to let silence ring the hell out of his ears. This was Taeyong's habit, he can't concentrate if it's too quiet or too noisy. That was a fact known by those who are closest to him. That's why his mother plays her favorite 80's songs on the cd player in low volume, and his brother, Haechan, reads a book aloud or plays a series of Michael Jackson's songs to which Taeyong can't help but to bob his body to the rhythm. He recalls the memories of Jaehyun humming along the soundtracks of the movies they watched before with that sweet honey-like voice of his.

 

Ugh, he grunted. He started to think of Jaehyun again.

 

He shifts in seat and stretched his hands in front of him. Okay, time to concentrate, he convinced himself. A correction tape, two purple ballpens, a checklist of to-do things are on the kitchen island counter while the television plays a drama everyone is talking about. Taeyong doesn't mind it, though. He keeps his concentration and continues to check the papers.

 

Forty-five minutes in and Taeyong is surprised that he is close on finishing the papers he is checking. A lot of his students improved, he can say at least. The words they used are not that deep anymore—the choices of words their made are now easier to fathom.

 

When he was in the last paper, he was distracted because the host of the replay episode of a talk show merrily greeted the viewers  a good morning. Taeyong looked up to the television and realized that oh, it is a replay.

 

He didn't know, but he guess its because he is on the last paper that his eyes shifted from the paper to the television. He watches as the hosts of the show talked about something and coffee randomly and Taeyong found himself distracted.

 

He shakes his head again and figured he should arrange the papers and keep them inside his bag again. He took a mental note to tell Jungwoo, his student assistant, to give the papers back to his students once he got to the university.

 

He sipped his long-forgotten coffee and cringed at the cold taste of it. The warmth is no longer there. Deciding to make himself another cup, Taeyong grabbed another sachet on the compartment along with some butter-coconut biscuits Haechan brought with him earlier in the afternoon.

 

Taeyong thanked his parents for Haechan. Without him, he would be a mess right now.

 

He went back to the sofa and sat with the covers covering his long, slim legs. He put his cup of coffee on the table next to him as he looked by the window. It's still raining cats and dogs and Taeyong thought of him again.

 

Jaehyun hated the rain. He clearly remembers that. He remembered Jaehyun whining on the skin between his neck and shoulder while telling him that the rain makes him unpproductive. The rain last month was consecutive to the point Jaehyun lazily lies on their shared bed than to finish writing the acknowledgements on the last part of his book.

 

Just then, as if fate loves to play Taeyong dirty, the guest introduced their guest with description too familiar for Taeyong. Vampire skin and a dimpled beauty.  He also heard another host calling their guest as a newbie author who entered the writing industry with a bang.

 

Moments later, Taeyong saw Jaehyun on television. With a caramel turtle neck and black jeans with a brown shoe Taeyong remembered he bought for the younger. A fresh batch of silent sobs and tears started to come out of the professor unknowingly.

 

He watches as the younger exchanges conversations with the hosts on tv. He sips the warm coffee which were on the both of his hands as he carefully listens on the words that slipped out of the younger's lips. A week passed and then he saw Jaehyun, even though it is a replay but Taeyong can see the joy on the younger's eyes. Jaehyun enjoyed being  interviewed, and he imagined how happy his ex was upon guesting on the talk show.

 

Memories of their arguments replayed inside of Taeyong's head.

 

He remembers how their fights would elevate. From the two of them talking to the two of them angrily saying words that they regret. Taeyong remembered how Jaehyun punched the wall on their room with his fist out of anger that Taeyong cleaned with tears stinging his eyes, guilty because he knows that he is the reason of the flames burning inside of his lover. He remembered how Jaehyun went home with a hint of a different perfume on the collars of his shirt to which Taeyong pointed out angrily.

 

He remembered Jaehyun always returning home hazed and drunk. He remembers how the younger looks at him and rants about how immature he doesn’t trust him enough to know that there is no other one than Taeyong in his heart. He remembers Jaehyun reasoning out with slurrs that he wanted to try a new perfume for his Taeyong-hyung tspend time with him again.

 

He remembers the look Jaehyun made when Taeyong declines sleeping with him at the same time, busy with the exam papers he need to check and a proposal he needs to finish.

 

Their relationship wasn't perfect, Taeyong knew that.

 

But when Taeyong went home early one day from the market to cook Jaehyun's favorite pasta, he was greeted by a Jaehyun with a suitcase on one of his hands while a backpack is swung on his shoulders.

 

Upon seeing him, Taeyong motioned closer to the younger to hug him but the other stepped back. Taeyong pretended that didn't hurt, but he can't pretend that the words that left those lips he used to kiss made his world shatter.

 

"Hyung, let's break up. We're not healthy for each other anymore."

 

"Babe—" Taeyong intrudes, dropping the shopping bags on the floor. But the man in front of him seemed to have made up his mind.

 

"Look, hyung. This is," Jaehyun paused, closing his eyes tightly while looking at the ceiling, trying hard to keep a strong stance. "This is getting toxic."

 

"Jaehyun," Taeyong began to cry. "Jaehyun, let's talk about this, could we? Please don't do this." He said as he clings on the free arm of the younger as Jaehyun walked out of the house with his belongings.

 

"Hyung, please." He said, forcing the grip of Taeyong's hand out of his arms. "Hyung please don't make it hard for the both of us." He said while cradling Taeyong on his arms.

 

Taeyong cried really hard back then, he remembered. He thought as if his eyes are already crying blood instead of tears. Everything hurt that moment. He wishes to forget all of those as well as the feeling of Jaehyun's lips on his forehead, muttering a "Thank you for everything and sorry too, hyung. Good bye.".

 

He cried hard for an hour on the doorstep back then, only for his brother and his brother's boyfriend finding him clutching his chest when they opened the door for their visit.

 

Taeyong's tears were like rain, continuously running down the skin of his cheeks and onto his chin. The replay is almost ending, and the interviewer finally give a personal question to his ex which was seated on what seemed like an uncomfortable couch for his preference.

 

"So, Writer Jung. Many fans of yours have been contemplating to ask you this question because they don't want to meddle with your personal life but they asked me to ask you this which is why I'm nervous right now." The male host said which earned a laughter from the other hosts and from the crowd. "So Writer Jung, are you in a relationship right now?"

 

It felt like Taeyong's heart was shot by a bullet from a .45 caliber gun. "No, but I was."

 

Ooh's are heard from the crowd in the studio. Then the other host gave the newbie writer a follow-up question. "Oh, so you were in a relationship. May we ask why the two of you broke up."

 

He can feel Jaehyun tense from the tv screen. "Uhm, we broke up just last week and the reason is quite immature." The younger sighed and proceeds to fiddle his fingers, something he acquired and adapted from Taeyong's habits. "We were both busy and communication really lacked from the both of us. I mean, we were in a relationship for almost four years. But fights and arguments arose lately and that's why I decided to break up with my ex."

 

Taeyong cried harder. Hearing those reasons were like a hard slap on Taeyong's face. He searches for the remote with blurred vision while he can still hear the host asking if Jaehyun is willing to enter another relationship.

 

When he found the remote, it was the same time when Jaehyun answered.

 

"Well, I am ready only if I can express myself more. So for now, no." He said, panning his eyes to the camera directly. "And as much as I wanted, if it isn't going to be the same person anymore, then maybe I'll be putting all the love I have for that person through writing. It was him, is him, and still be him, and that's for sure."

 

Before breaking his own heart even more, Taeyong pressed the red button and the tv went off.

 

That night, Taeyong hugged the only plushie Jaehyun left tightly as he cried himself to sleep. He didn't care if he go to work with swollen eyes or face, but at least he still know that Taeyong's heart was Jaehyun, and the latter's still his.

 

And astonishingly, Taeyong felt the rain gave him hope.

He might love the rain again.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this with a rough plot really in my head so im afraid that yes, this is unpolished. like duh, everything i write seemed like half-assed lol
> 
> your comments are appreciated and motivates me for real!  
> i'm sorry for the mistakes i made here huhuhu im too lazy to proofread :(  
> hope you enjoyed it and talk to me on twitter, i have the same username as well ♥


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